I Still Remember The First Time I Saw You, And The Next, And Everytime After That….

As I went to sleep tonight, almost an hour later I saw myself doing everything but sleeping. Not that I wasn’t trying. I was trying my best, changing sides, changing positions, blinking eyes frequently till the count of ten, and everything I knew to get myself to sleep.

Then I frustratingly rubbed my hands down my face, got up, sighed, and went to the only place I knew I could help me staying sane; my Notes App.

Sleeping to me is one of the ways to escape, from what I’m not sure tho, but when you want to let the emotions out that you’ve been bottling up inside yourself for long, the very first thing you can’t do is to go to sleep.

So here I am, on my bed, having the Notes App opened as all I could think of is…him.

Him, the person I used to love, the person I thought maybe, just maybe will love me one day, the person who almost made me believe that he felt for me.

There’s the catch, almost.

But now, it’s been 1 year, 7 months and 13 days since he left.

Yeah okay, he was never mine, so there is not any point in him leaving me, but it felt like that. Like, I’ve lost the parts of me that I never knew existed, like he was mine, almost.

If only he knew what he left isn’t the girl he met, but someone completely different from her, someone he himself has made.

As I sit here, in my dark room with the Notes App open, I realised that I don’t know what I actually want to write. But every time I get a random thought of him in the midst of something which have nothing to do with him, the very first thoughts of my mind are the first time I saw him. And how I wanted to see him just more only by looking at him for once. Even tho I was looking for someone else, but one look at him, and I didn’t knew how everything became blur and he became the ultimate focus.

I started typing until I felt a bit light from inside. Here’s what I ended up writing:-

My Story #1

It was supposed to be my story,

Yet it somehow looks like yours,

When I saw you first?

I only saw your eyes, cause that’s where I got stuck,

I never liked the colour black, cause it’s all dark and scary,

But one look at your eyes and I realised I’ve never ever seen its true beauty,

I didn’t knew why, but I felt your eyes on me, maybe even absentmindedly?

But the mere thought of you looking at me made my stomach tingling with thousands of fluttering butterflies,

Then the whistle rang and I remembered why I was here,

Maybe my focus was on you but I was here for someone else, and that wasn’t you.

I started walking but couldn’t bring my legs to work,

So I rather did what I was craving for,

I turned around to look at you one more time,

…just once.

When I saw you next? It wasn’t by any accident,

I was looking for someone in the crowd of the students on the school playground,

And my eyes found a certain black,

And I knew who I was looking for was no one but you.

Maybe something was wrong with my head, it has to be,

Or maybe it’s the song that I’ve heard back home,

After seeing those eyes of yours,

But you were unaware of what you were doing and what you’ve done,

You were making me fall for you, and your eyes have been holding me captive.

You were standing there between the trees in the far off corner,

And I kept  looking at you every one second or another.

I never knew I could fall for someone only by looking into their eyes,

And that too just one time.

…just once?

Yes.

When I saw you third? I wish I could just hang on to that moment.

You were this close to me that I couldn’t even breathe properly,

A sane mind would say it was solid 7 feet between you and me,

But my mind wasn’t sane back then, it didn’t give a damn about all this sane thinking,

We were kind of sharing the same air do you even realise that?

I got goosebumps by feeling the blowing air on my skin which was touching you only mere seconds back.

You probably didn’t realise that I was there on your right in the very next line,

Coz you were busy talking to someone I didn’t knew but now I surely didn’t like,

I wasn’t aware that I was able to feel all these emotions,

Especially over a guy who didn’t even look at me,

….not even once.

The fourth time I saw you? You were this close to me,

I myself am surprised how I managed to keep functioning,

You were walking next to my right, only a step ahead,

And for the first time I guess, luck was on my side,

The entire hallway was empty, there was no one else,

Except for you in a brown leather jacket,

And my barely functioning self.

And how can I be happy for long after knowing how my luck is always?

The bell suddenly rang and the hallway was all crowded and chaotic in the split of a second.

But somehow I was glad, cause somehow we managed to come a bit more close,

And suddenly a thought crossed my mind, a single push of someone against you or me,

And your skin will be in contact with mine,

How will I manage to survive?

And it seems the universe reads my mind,

And somehow the hallway became a bit more crowded,

But you were stronger than I thought you were,

Instead of stumbling behind, you only turned half around,

And there was no doubt I was already looking at your side,

One moment I was lost in your thoughts,

And the next one I know,

You were looking at me with those eyes of yours.

The moment our eyes met,

It was like the focus was you, and everything else was blur,

You are so beautiful do you even realise?

Thank god I didn’t say those words out loud.

You looked at me and everything else stopped,

It must have lasted one sec or two,

But I’ve felt the most alive in that particular moment,

And that’s because of you.

You turned around and went your way ahead,

And I was so wonderstruck by your beauty,

That I haven’t realised how the hallway became nearly empty once again.

You went to your class and hugged the one I knew,

And I managed to take a few steps ahead and saw you two,

He was the one on my mind I won’t lie,

But that was before my eyes witnessed you.

I looked forward and went my way,

I wanted to turn around and take a mere glance,

But fate didn’t wanted me to look at you again,

If only I knew it was the last time I’m going to see you that day ever again…

I stopped writing and thought about writing more or not, but then something in me told me, it’s enough for today. But as I think of that day, the only thing I can think of now is-

if only I knew how much more the story have got.

Then I went to sleep and looked at the time after some time again, 45 minutes, ah, insomnia, my old friend!

♡